Psychology of Triggers
We all have triggers and we all get triggered. How is it that someone can say something, either at work or at home, that strikes a chord within us, working us up and taking our mind to a completely different place? Most of the time when a button does get pushed, we either lash out quick to defend ourselves, or we clam up and withdraw to avoid discussing the issue. But what if we can dissect and learn from our triggers? What’s the deeper level meaning behind these triggers, and what are they actually show us, about us?
In the workplace, a boss, colleague or a direct report could make a seemingly innocuous comment on their end, but our mind might automatically goes to a place of reactivity, defensiveness, and fear. For instance, a direct report asks a genuinely curious question, only to have the boss respond back with a curt response, with the boss feeling as if their authority has been undermined. On the other hand, a boss might ask a casual question to their direct report, yet the direct report takes the question as a jolt of criticism, releasing a feeling that they aren’t doing a good job or they aren’t good enough. With whoever we are interacting with, how is it that some questions or comments are banal, but others set us off like landmines?
Picking apart this more deeply, take some time to dissect where your triggers stem from and bring more awareness to them. By being more consciously mindful and aware, and through practicing emotional self regulation, it is possible to prevent these emotional triggers from exploding and taking over. Learning to draw connections from your triggers can not only help to de-escalate the situation, but also can help conserve your energy to focus more on meaningful topics - overall helping you find more peace and happiness. Here are a few perspectives to look through next time you ‘re entering button pushing territory.
We don’t always know what other people’s triggers are. Sometimes we do know when a topic is sensitive or uncomfortable and shouldn’t be explored; other times it may not be so obvious. When we pass judgement and criticism with off the cuff remarks, we will usually poke at someone else’s buttons. That said, your words partially played a part in the button pushing! In the not-so-obvious cases where triggers take us off guard, these comments and responses can easily turn into escalated heated arguments due of that lack of emotional awareness. To resolve this, take control and own up to your end of the button pushing by being more mindful of words and tone of voice when communicating.
What other people say is a reflection of them and their world, and how you respond is a reflection of your world. We tend to take what other people say so personally. Oftentimes when we get caught up in the moment, we argue our point to death, trying to convince the other person to agree with our perspective. When our agenda is to argue or force others into believing and seeing things how we see them, at this stage, I can guarantee that one person is not truly listening to the other party.
The reality is, we can’t force someone to truly ‘understand’ your story or your perspective, because we are all separate human beings, shaped by our own world view and experiences; we each have our own unique lens on the world. Every single person is entitled to their own perspective, so no matter how ‘close’ your relationships is or seems, and at the end of the day, not everyone can (or needs to) see eye to eye - and that’s okay. When we begin feeling triggered or frustrated by the other party, know that their comments stem from their our own worldview (and their beliefs may not even be consciously realized), so don’t take it personally. Once having that realization, you’ll lessen the power of allowing other people’s speech to rub you the wrong way.
Get curious. We glaze over the step all too much. When someone makes a comment that triggers us, our first line of defense is to usually fight back with a rebuttal. Before jumping into conclusions about taking whatever was said at face value, learn to get curious about how they see it. What makes them think that way? How did they draw that conclusion? Hold the space in understanding what they might have gone through that has caused them to draw that conclusion. Again, comments that other people make stem from their own worldview, so take the time to explore their world. True curiosity wit (with genuine objectivity) will help decrease the chances of running into defensive arguments.
Once you’ve had a chance to take a step back and process through curiosity and self awareness, learn to use your triggers as a teaching moment. Triggers, and the underlying emotions and feelings associated with them, show us something deep within US. If we’re too quick in reacting and responding back, we end up making it about the other person, when really, it’s about us.